In defence of hoe-ing
I’ve been going through something of a hoe-rennaisance this year, and it’s made my hoe senses tingle whenever I see the treatment of more… sexually liberal people in the media and society at large. This sex-negative, largely misogynistic standpoint is based on a lot of assumptions and stereotypes that just don’t hold up when put under a microscope. So let’s get out the lab coat, shall we?
For one, there’s this image of the promiscuous girl (because it’s always women who are shamed for multiple partners, but that’s double standard 101) who’s secretly emotionally insecure, and is using her quest for dick (because let’s be real, a queer woman is about as rare as a well -adjusted hoe in media) to supplement her tragic backstory, as a form of sick justification for her “moral bankruptcy”. There is never a well -adjusted polyamorous person who is just having casual sex because that’s what they feel most suits their lifestyle, even though we exist in droves. Sure, I have baggage and emotional hang- ups, but not anymore than the average person.
I also dislike the narrative that one night stands or sex outside relationships are inherently emotionless or meaningless. That implies that connections can only be forged under the guise of a relationship which is simply untrue. All connections, be that intellectual or physical are unique to themselves, and circumstance or timeframe don’t immediately qualify that connection’s depth.
And even if they are meaningless, so long as both parties are under the same impression what’s the harm? My favourite sexologist Shan BOODY put it best: you should have sex with people when there’s mutual consent and intent, ie all parties are consenting, and are aware of the function the sex is serving, be it purely pleasure or in pursuance of a relationships or other. So long as those conditions are fulfilled, crack the fuck on, I say.
Believe it or not, there is a version of casual sex that can fulfil both parties and not hurt people. Like, yes be aware of strangers and use protection because horror stories exist, but there is also a reality where sex can be a productive, fun way for two or more people to spend time together. I just wish more people could accept that both realities can co-exist- because they do.
I also hate the tug of war between monogamous and polyamorous lifestyles, as if there’s a battle to be won in the first place. Granted, monogamous relationships between two people are deeply enshrined into the infrastructure of society, but that doesn’t mean that alternative models are inferior by default.
Like, yes monogamy is great and can be a space where people can be honored and empowered. But I’d argue that the same is true of a more polyamorous approach. It all depends on where we are personally, and what we feel we need in our lives. There’s no one size fits all to where we choose to source our pleasures, be that emotional and sexual. Monogamy isn’t inherently superior, nor is it a “cure.”
One example that really rubbed me the wrong way is Amy Schumer’s Trainwreck. For the uninitiated, Schumer’s character is initially portrayed as this promiscuous monogamy-phobe due to her father’s preaching that “monogamy isn’t realistic.” But of course, she just hadn’t found the right man, and once she does, all her “problems” are addressed and she makes an effort to commit to him. Once again, monogamy saves the morally bankrupt hoe, and the world is in balance again.
I’m not trying to supplement anything with casual sex any more than a single person is trying to supplement something their lives by pursuing a relationship. I just need something different to what a relationship can offer me. I’m just out to fulfil a need, and I feel that this is the best way to do it at this point in my life.
I mean, I could refute misconceptions until the cows come home, but at the end of the day the aversion to casual sex is in the sex of it. We get into monogamous relationships and marry so the idea of us having sex is somewhat acceptable- and even then, it’s something that happens behind closed doors and rarely alluded to. Anything outside of that paradigm is immediately struck down, no matter how natural it may be. The recent same sex marriage shitshow in Australia was a perfect example. The “no” camp threw as many analogies and slippery slopes as they could muster, but the core message was still clear: gay sex is gross and shouldn’t be enshrined with the same legal weight as straight sex.
We’ve definitely made strides, but we’ve still got lightyears to go until we break down the bizarre taboo we have around sex, that manages to pervade all decisions despite our best efforts to present it doesn’t exist.
Please just let us hoe-on in peace. So long as we’re not hurting anyone, including ourselves, keep your noses out of our business.
